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 Frequently Asked Questions
Below is a list of questions and answers prepared by research specialists in Michigan State University's School of Social Work. The School's Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) addresses some of the post adoption issues identified in an adoption survey conducted by the School.
When should I talk with my child about his/her adoption? When my daughter was a toddler we often
talked about her adoption and she seemed to understand. She is now in elementary
school and recently showed considerable surprise when her adoption was mentioned.
What happened? Should I still talk about adoption now that my children are teenagers? Do you have practical tips for talking about adoption with my child? How do I tell my children difficult information about their
birth families or their personal histories? What is attachment and why is it important? What grief issues are associated with adoption? How do I find a therapist for my child who understands
specific issues associated with adoption? Where can I find quality resources about adoption for my child and myself? We are parenting children with many special needs and love them dearly.
However, do you have suggestions to help us cope with the demands and stresses of parenting? What is Open Adoption?
Included on this page is a link to another FAQ prepared by the state of Michigan's Department of Human Services (DHS). The DHS's FAQ provides answers to questions often asked about the adoption process, selecting an adoption agency, obtaining information from adoption records, costs associated with adoption, etc.
If you can not find an answer to your question(s) in the School of Social Work's FAQs below, you can contact your local DHS office. Contact information for local DHS offices can be found under "Michigan State of", "Department of Human Services" in the "Government Pages" of your phone book. You can also locate contact information by clicking on the following URL: http://www.michigan.gov/dhs/0,1607,7-124-5461---,00.html and clicking on the county in which you live.
Becoming a family through adoption is
part of your child's and your life. You can talk about how you became
a family throughout your child's life. Your child will absorb your
comfort regarding becoming a family through adoption more than the
specific words you use when talking about it.
Still, the words you use will convey a positive or negative view of
adoption and children who were adopted. You want to use words that
say adoption is positive, natural, and not resulting from
characteristics of the child. You can say "birthparent" instead
of "real parent"; "birth child" instead of "own child"; "born to
unmarried parents" instead of "illegitimate; "made an adoption
plan" instead of "gave up the child"; "a child with special needs"
instead of "a handicapped child"; or "was adopted" instead of "is adopted." |
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Children take in only what they can understand at
each age. As a toddler your daughter may have learned her adoption story. She
learned some adoption language. She also absorbed your attitudes and feelings
about her entry into your family. This was all beneficial.
However, children cannot fully grasp the concept of adoption
until they begin to understand reproduction. Sometime during elementary
school years they begin to understand that all children grow inside a woman
and are born. They also begin to understand that most children's mothers
are the same woman who gave them birth. When they begin to grasp this
they may recognize sad parts about adoption for the first time. As you
help her understand how you became a family, you may also need to support
her through the sadness of separation from her biological family and
through the disappointment of feeling different from other children. |
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Teenagers enter a new developmental stage and so,
can understand adoption in new ways. During the teen years children's
brains develop so that they can consider hypothetical situations. They
can think, "what if I stayed with my birth family?" or, "What if I was
adopted by a different family?"
In addition, one of the important jobs of teenagers is
defining their identity. They need to figure out who they are given
their genetic background, adoptive family, life experiences,
relationships, goals, and abilities. They need to discover what
their adoption means to them and their life.
Teens often think about these issues intensely.
They may "try on" various identities in their search for themselves.
Your support and openness during these years can help them develop
a positive self-concept and healthy relationships. |
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Yes, here are seven tips for you to consider:
- Talk with kids at every age. Their understanding will change and mature as they grow up. They need to talk about it over and over.
- Remember that talking about adoption involves some difficult topics such as loss and grief but it can also provide opportunities to support your child and build a closer relationship.
- Always tell the truth. Tell the part of the truth that your child is thinking about and can understand at the time. Build on the truth with additional details as your child matures. Your truthfulness helps build trust in your relationship with your child.
- Remember that this is your child's story and belongs to your child. Be very careful about sharing your child's private personal information with others. As your child matures he/she needs to have control over who knows that personal information.
- Remember that any information is better learned from a parent in a supportive way than found out later from other sources without parental support.
- Think ahead about your own feelings about the information and how you will talk with your child. Talk about your feelings with your spouse, partner, or another trusted person. Practice ways to explain the information before talking with your child.
- Look for opportunities to discuss adoption. Movies, TV, and books often provide openings for valuable discussions. Parents should freely and comfortably bring up the topic of adoption and not wait for children to ask questions.
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Parents often struggle with this situation. Sometimes out of their
love for their children they want to "spare" them knowledge of the information. The
parents may fear the results of their children's knowledge of negative facts about
their birth families. Or parents feel so sad about their children's early
experiences that they do not want the children to know what happened.
Unfortunately, "sparing" them does not work. Ignoring or denying it cannot change
the reality of the children's lives and background. In addition, their background
and experiences will have effects on their lives whether the effects are identified or not.
Your child will benefit more from gradually integrating information with
your loving support. You should be ready to accept a wide range of emotions perhaps
including sadness, anger, denial, family loyalty, fear, and confusion. Sometimes
your child might direct the emotions at you, the adoptive parent, because the true
targets of the emotions are not available. You can help your child by labeling the
emotion, expressing acceptance, and gently suggesting that the feelings belong to
an earlier situation.
Children who were adopted are entitled to information about their
life history and biologic background. The information includes facts about their
birth families, genetic information, placements, and circumstances of their adoption.
This information is about their life and themselves. They need it to increase
their self-understanding and to shape their identity. This does not mean that
parents must tell them everything at a young age or at one time. Start with
basic facts gradually adding information as they mature.
The book, Making Sense of Adoption: A Parent's Guide by Lois Ruskai
Melina (Harper & Row, 1989) provides suggestions regarding specific situations
including parental substance abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and mental illness.
This book is a useful resource for talking with children about many kinds of adoption. |
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The simple answer is that attachment is a
relationship. However, the powerful effects of that relationship
are not simple at all! The child's first attachment is a one-to-one
relationship on which the child will base all future relationships.
Attachment is important for learning to manage intense emotions and
stimulation. Attachment affects the child's brain development. It
influences social interactions and self-concept. Attachment forms
the basis for future conscience development. Building healthy
attachment after early experiences without healthy attachment
takes hard work by children and parents.
Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today's
Parents by Deborah D. Gray (Perspective Press, Inc. 2002) is a
useful resource for additional information about attachment and
helping children recover from early attachment difficulties. |
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All members of the adoption circle (birth parents, adoptive
parents, and children) experience loss and grief. Birth parents lose the
opportunity to parent their biological child. Adoptive parents miss the
opportunity for biologic connection with the child they love and, if the
child is older at placement, miss the opportunity to start parenting the
child in infancy. Children lose the experience of being parented by their
biologic parents. Children adopted internationally also lose their
country of origin. All children who are adopted become part of a minority group.
Loss and grief for children who were adopted results from
separation. At some time, even children adopted as infants, realize that
they are separated from the parent who gave them birth. They will need to
find an answer for the question, "Why did this happen?" or, more pressing
for many children, "Why did this happen to me?" They experience a loss of
what was and also a loss of what might have been.
Children who experience loss based on separation are
vulnerable to more intense reactions to other losses in their lives.
Common losses such as a broken toy, a friend moving away, or the death
of a pet may provoke a more intense grief reaction than expected.
These smaller losses provide opportunities for parents to teach
their children about grief and to connect with them in support.
Parents can help their children understand their feelings and
learn words to express their feelings. Parents can help children
label their experienced feelings as sadness, disappointment,
confusion, rejection, grief, hurt, anger, or another word that
fits their experience. Parents can show understanding and empathy
for the emotions. Children can learn that they will not feel
intensely sad forever. Children who learn to manage grief for
smaller losses are better equipped to manage grief associated
with adoption.
A classic book addressing children's grief is
Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss by Claudia Jewett
(The Harvard Common Press, 1982). This book includes many
practical suggestions and ideas for activities with children. |
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The search for a therapist can seem confusing and difficult at first.
Psychotherapists with a variety of academic degrees offer therapy in agencies,
group practices, and private practices. Finding a therapist who understands
adoption is important because much of the knowledge base regarding adoption
and foster care is specific to those fields. Also, this knowledge is usually
gained through experience since it is often not taught in school.
So where does a parent begin? Ask others who may know
professionals in your area. You can ask the professionals involved with
your adoption process. Agency adoption and foster care social workers
often know the community resources. The regional Post Adoption Support
Services office may have suggestions. Other adoptive parents may offer
specific information about local therapists. The networking and
information available through the parents in adoptive parent support
groups is valuable.
After you have a list of names you can gather additional
information to help you make a choice. Even excellent therapists are
not a good fit for every family. You can call several therapists and
ask if you could talk with them for a few minutes. Remember, if you
catch them with 5 minutes between appointments they will not be able
to have a thoughtful discussion with you. You can ask if they are willing
to call you when they have a few minutes to talk. When you have opportunity
to talk you could very briefly describe your concerns and consider asking
them some of these questions:
- Do you have any openings?
- Where are you located?
- Do you accept my insurance or Medical Adoption Subsidy (if your child is certified for subsidy)? If not, what are your fees?
- What days/hours do you offer appointments?
- What degree do you have? Are you licensed or certified?
- How long have you been in practice?
- What proportion of your clients are children? What ages do you typically work with?
- What proportion of your child clients are foster children or children who were adopted?
- What experience do you have with adoption?
- What kind of therapy do you use with children?
- How do you involve parents in the therapy?
- How long do you usually see children/families?
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Many excellent resources exist to provide information and
support for adoptive parents. Parents benefit from using resources to help
them provide for their child's needs. Here are a few suggestions you
can use for a place to start:
- Tapestry Books, PO Box 359, Ringoes, NJ, 08551. www.tapestrybooks.com.
They have a large catalogue of books for adults and children in many types of adoption circumstances.
- National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, PO Box 1182, Washington,
DC, 20013-1182. www.calib.com/naic/ This web site includes all aspects of adoption.
- Adoptive Families, 2472 Broadway, Suite 377, New York, NY
10025, 800-372-3300. www.adoptivefamilies.com This bi-monthly magazine can also
be found on newsstands and contains useful adoption information.
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Although often deeply rewarding, parenting children with special
challenges — for example, ADHD, attachment disturbance, intense emotional reactions,
oppositional behavior, or fetal alcohol effects — can be exhausting and discouraging
at times. Here are a few suggestions to help you cope:
- Your parenting and family life will not be "typical." Do not
expect that most people will understand, even if they are generally caring
and well-meaning people.
- Find people who do understand your situation or are at
least non-judgmental and supportive. Parent support groups can be
helpful in this area.
- Re-evaluate your priorities for this stage of your lives.
The level of cleanliness of your house, the intensity of your work, contact
with extended family, or travel plans may need to be adjusted so that you
can meet your child's needs at this time.
- Learn as much as you can about your child's particular needs.
- Seek support or professional services as needed. This does
not reflect inadequate parenting; rather it reflects the complexity of
the challenges your child presents.
- If you are parenting with a partner, take time to nurture that relationship too.
- Arrange occasional respite time for yourself.
- Maintain your health — physical, emotional, and spiritual. Your child
will benefit from your health.
- Take time to play and look for the humor in situations. Don't
take yourself or situations too seriously. A hearty laugh is healthy for individuals and relationships.
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An adoption is considered an Open Adoption when the birth and
adoptive parents have some kind of personal contact and exchange of information
before or after the adoption is finalized. This includes a broad range of
possible relationships between the birth and adoptive parents. For example,
letters may be exchanged through an intermediary so that names and addresses
are confidential. Or, the birth and adoptive parents may meet one time but
not disclose names or addresses. On the other end of the continuum, the
birth and adoptive parents may have an ongoing relationship and frequent
personal contact with each other. Each family makes agreements and plans
suitable for their personal situations. The assistance of an experienced
adoption social worker is often helpful for families making open adoption arrangements. |
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